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Therapy Groups for Men: Leading & Learning For most of my adult life I acted agitated, aloof or cutting in the presence of other men. I constantly felt in a state of fight or flight, ever ready to pounce or run. As I approached the half century mark I realized that if I was ever going to experience a sense of comfort and community with other men, I was going to have to do something about it. I wondered what a 'meaningful relationship' with another male or a few men would be like. I wasn't seeking the playground pal or university beer drinking type relationship, and certainly not the "meet you at the bar and get drunk" scenario, but something more. I couldn't find the words then. Now I call it relaxed comfort and intimacy; previously dangerous ground in "men only" situations. When the Men's movement began to gain momentum I was naturally very interested. There were others also longing for new ways of being and connecting as men. I knew the power of group therapy and basically felt safe in a group context. So it seemed natural for me to find a group for men. By the fall of 1992 I had become discouraged at my chances. I did not qualify (fortunately) for an "anger management group" or a mandated group for male offenders, and the John's School hadn't come to town. At the other extreme there were the "drumming" or "male rites of passage" groups. I didn't fit into the first category and I already did my Bar Mitzvah in 1953. Frustrated, I made the decision to start a group using my own skills and desire for a positive male to male experience. At the time I was studying and participating in Interpersonal Relations Groups at TIHR. This experience provided a framework I could use for my purpose. I recruited 8 other men in January of 1993 and we began a weekly journey together. This journey lasted four years. I have led other men's groups since. Many things have changed. I screen participants more carefully. The explorations are deeper and there are more opportunities for men's healing by connecting in ways they had only hoped were possible. Men involved in individual work often explore their pain, getting in touch with feelings, and the gambit of issues from abuse to xenophobia. Often in this growth process they feel they are "unusual men", or "sensitive men" or somehow not like other men. This can sometimes exacerbate their difficulties in interacting with men in the outside world. Often their growth can be enhanced by encouraging a group experience to supplement their ongoing work. This can be an excellent opportunity to integrate new behaviours and risk taking in a therapeutic group environment. In a group where only men come together there is a unique opportunity to explore their issues in connection with other men. For most men this is a new and rewarding experience. The process goes something like this: Inevitably someone starts with: "So, what's a man supposed to be like in the '90s anyway?", or a similar intellectual question. First the testing: How far can I push? What's the competition? Will the leader or any other shame me? Then fear may emerge: Am I really a man? Can I actually speak in 'I' statements? Are we going to have to do feelings? Can I find a place to hide? Are there any homosexuals here? Do I have to tell my secrets? What if I come out with straight men? Are we going to have to cry? What if I get nervous and self-conscious? Is this about men's rights? Do you serve coffee? Next appraising the self: How do I measure up? Penis size? Number of relationships? Strength? Job? Money? Years of therapy? Biggest problem? What are the rules again?: "Why can't we solve the problem? You/I, what's the difference? Everyone knows what I mean." And these comments are from the men who have had individual counselling and don't talk or act like this in mixed groups. It seems that feeling vulnerable with other men is such an unusual experience the regression is instantaneous. The protective armour supposedly laid down is now being tripped over. Being careful and appropriate: "This is such a great experience and you are really nice guys, etc. I appreciate your sharing how your partner/mother/father mistreated you. I can relate to that, why my ..... and I ................... and I know you're not asking for advice, but I just want to help." "Thank you." Transference, sibling rivalry, confrontation: The work of the group really begins. Dare we as incompetents (men as seen in today's society) confront each other, voice our feelings of anger, rage and humiliation that are frequently just below the surface? Do real men do this in front of other men? Can we actually do interpersonal work in the here and now, stay conscious, and remain male? Leading any group requires an adequate capacity for containment. Men's rage, confrontational stance and defensiveness often reach high levels in the grip of the powerful transference and projections at play. The risk and the growth: For most of these men it will be their first experience of connecting with and expressing their feelings for other men in the here and now. The challenge is formidable, they either have had very little or no previous experience relating in this manner. What they seem to exhibit is a longing but without the words, insight, permission, support and modeling. If the sense of trust has been established and healthy norms and modeling are present, men in groups will at their own pace lower their defenses and venture toward 'being with' each other. Much growth comes in the repair and working through of the inevitable misunderstandings and errors by the leader or the apparent insensitivity of another participant. Finally, being with men who are connecting with men: What's it like? To a gardener these men might seem like budding flowers opening in spring. Filled with hope, ready for nurturing by his strong but cautious hands. To a father or brother or son, these men find their true 'strength' in their emerging vulnerability and their waning shame, anger and despair. To a therapist these men come closer to the face and the hot breath of their demons, allowing them to take the hand of support and guidance with trust, and gather wisdom and strength as they drink from the cup of validation. Some say men never grow. Others feel men often have further to go. Whatever the case we men deserve the opportunity to experience trust, compassion, love, and validation. We can reduce our sense of alienation and heal in community in the presence of other men. |
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Confidential E-Mail for
Steve Schklar - Psychotherapy & Consulting |